After losing Mike I specifically remember telling one of my girlfriends that if I was ever going meet someone again he would have to just show up on my door step. I had no clue how to date. Just thinking about that whole process wore me out. I hadn’t even thought about dating since I was a teenager, and my dad never allowed it anyways.
I met Mike on the first day of college orientation, a few days after my 18th birthday. Dating and loving Mike was all I ever knew.
My fear was that I was going to be too much for someone. That my heartbroken boys were going to be too much for someone. That my story was going to be too much for someone. Who in their right mind would ever consider being remotely interested in someone like me with all my baggage?
One Saturday morning I sat out in our backyard with my cup of coffee and my computer on my lap while the boys played on the trampoline. This was the week after I cried out to Mike and the Lord to help the boys and I to be happy again. I was browsing online and checking my email and that morning I had a message in my inbox from a name I didn’t recognize. I opened the email and was caught off guard as I read these words full of kindness and sincerity.
This person had gotten my email address from a mutual acquaintance and he very politely introduced himself. He only knew my first name and he had only seen one picture of me in which I was pretty disguised in a hat and sunglasses. He told me I had a pretty smile and respectfully said he would understand if I chose not to respond. He continued to say that he had never put himself out there like this and was nervous to contact me. There was something in those words that made me feel like they were genuinely written.
I read this email feeling confused, yet curious. I wasn’t sure if I should respond or not. Once I found out that this person was only told I was a widow and a single mom I felt a sense of relief. He had no clue who I really was. He didn’t know whose widow I was and the story behind it all. To me, that was so refreshing. I worked up the nerve to send back a short response. Later that morning he replied to my email and over the course of that day we emailed back and forth a couple more times.
Over the next few days we exchanged phone numbers and began to text. He still not knowing my story. The texting would go on throughout each day and late into each night. Still just two people getting to know more about each other. Eventually phone conversations began. We would each put our kids to bed for the night and talk for hours upon hours, getting to know more and more about each other. Still never meeting face to face, him still not knowing my story, and me starting to wonder what in the world was I doing?
The feelings of both butterflies and guilt confused me. I was starting to feel interested in this man I was getting to know, but I felt so guilty at the same time. I felt like I was cheating on Mike. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I kept everything to myself and didn’t even tell my closest friends or family right away. Most nights I would go into my walk-in closet and talk to him on the phone in there because I didn’t want my boys to hear me and question why I was on the phone all night or ask who I was talking to.
One night while we were talking on the phone I decided to be completely honest and tell him my whole story. I spent hours sharing with him the details that led to me becoming a widow. I told him about the nightmare that came after. I told him that I was still healing. I told him my boys’ world had been turned completely upside down and I didn’t want them to know I was talking to someone and I definitely did not plan on introducing them to another man anytime soon.
He listened, he understood and he told me my story wasn’t going to scare him away.
He told me he’d love to continue to get to know me. He remembered hearing our whole story on the news. He finally knew who I really was. The person I was scared for him to associate me with. The person I thought he wouldn’t want to get to know anymore.
I really thought I was damaged goods.
We reached the point where we knew we wanted to meet each other in person, but we weren’t sure how we could ever make that happen. We lived an hour away from each other and I had two kids I was not ready to share this new part of my life with just yet. I was scared and nervous, yet excited. The ups and downs and range of emotions confused me.
We finally were able to coordinate our schedules and make sure our kids were taken care of. We planned our first date…both of us not knowing what to expect, both of us not knowing what it would be like to go on a first date again, and both of us not knowing how to do this.
I have never been more proud of myself for taking a leap of faith.
Because on that day…my last chapter began.
