I have a theory that if single men and women were asked if they would date a recent widow or widower, I bet that 70-80 percent would prefer not to. Add to that a widow who’s tragic circumstances were highly publicized. Even more, a widow who has been left with young children. I bet that number increases to almost 90-95 percent.
Early on in my adult life I would have been part of that 90-95%…too afraid to attempt any sort of relationship with someone with so much brokenness and baggage. But life dealt me my own loss. The loss of a marriage I never wanted to give up. God worked to heal and even strengthen me through this nightmare. He renewed my faith and softened my heart.
Little did I know it would all be for the day I met my wife. It wasn’t until quite some time after I began to get to know to April that she finally asked me if I remembered a local news story of a San Jose police officer killed in the line of duty. I did remember and I knew my parents had followed that news story as well. Then she went on to tell me that was her husband, she was “Officer Katherman’s widow.” My thoughts swirled. What would it be like to date a widow? Would it be harder? Would it be easier? What would other people think? Is she ready to date again? Is she mentally capable of loving again?
My natural instinct was to raise the red flag and take a step back. But for some reason, I didn’t. I didn’t let these questions deter me from pursuing someone I was already falling in love with. As a matter of fact, knowing that she was a widow and hearing her tell her whole story only made me draw even closer to her. This is where the unconditional love of God had helped prepare my heart for a special woman like April.
Dating a widow is like any other relationship in some ways, yet certain aspects can be radically different. Dating a widow will challenge you day in and day out. There will always be obstacles, especially when there are children involved. There will come a point in your relationship where things start to get a little more serious and you will reach a fork in the road. One way will lead you down a smooth path where there are no hurdles or bumps in the road. That path is the path of avoidance, the choice to end the relationship and cut things off because it is easier to not deal with all of the baggage the other person in the relationship brings. The second road is one that has many twists, turns, hills and bumps. As my father in law would like to point out, kind of like the horrible California roads. Definitely not the smooth roads of Nevada!
This path is daunting and scary. But taking this road head on has brought me love like I have never experienced before.
Dating a widow challenges you to really examine your every move, your every word and causes you to fight your natural instinct that urges you towards the easier option. One struggle I found when April and I were dating was dealing with those rough days that she was really feeling her loss. It could be a date in the month that matched the day her spouse passed away, or it could just be a day that she was struggling with feeling empty from missing her late husband. Either way, this was foreign territory to me.
From my experience, there are a couple ways to deal with this depending on your spouse. There are days in which your spouse will need to just have their own time to themselves. Time to reflect and just let their emotions go. This can be confusing. You may feel as if your spouse should need you in times like these but believe me, they do not. Fight the urge to be offended and understand it has nothing to do with you. There will definitely come days where your spouse really needs you. She will need you to listen, to hold her and to be a shoulder to cry on. A sense of security and calmness. These are not signs of a mentally unstable spouse and there is nothing to be scared of. Grief is a never ending process and these are healthy emotions. Do all that you can to be a light in these dark times.
One very different aspect of dating a widow is the fact that her late spouse will always be around. What I mean by this is that his name will always be a part of everyday life. Your spouse will talk about him with a smile from ear to ear. His pictures will always be scattered throughout the house. Their belongings will be in your house that you and your spouse may share. These may be there for a very long time, possibly forever. At times you may feel downplayed or maybe even second fiddle. It is not natural to be okay and happy with your spouse talking so highly of another, especially in regards to love and happiness. It isn’t natural to see a picture of you and your spouse right next to a picture of the man your spouse was once married to. Even though it’s not natural to be okay with these things, it is extremely important to understand and learn that there isn’t a threat in the attachment your spouse has to these memories. In no way, shape or form is it any sort of competition. Men, especially, find this hard to deal with.
At first I found these things to be awkward and unnatural, but eventually I learned how important it is to allow all of it to be present in everyday life, even encouraging your spouse to make sure their late spouse is always remembered. This is especially true when kids are involved. Nothing is more important then making sure their father, whom they no longer have with them, is always remembered and a part of your newly formed family. Put pictures on the mantle. Get birthday and holiday gifts for your spouse with kids in honor of what dad would have done. Do activities they enjoyed with your whole family. Celebrate their late dad’s birthday in positive ways. Do your best to make all memories of him positive ones. And lastly, do not try to hide or get rid of all of their personal belongings that may be a nuisance to you, but are so precious to your spouse and her kids.
One last struggle I want to talk about deals with judgement and fitting into the existing mold of your spouse’s friends and family. It will be very uncomfortable and awkward meeting family and friends. You will most definitely feel judged and the center of debate when meeting your spouse’s friends that she shared with her late husband. Just know that it feels the same for your spouse and even the friends involved. They are all grieving and adjusting to life without their loved one and this will cause any normal human being to be cautious and protective. Time will ease all of these feelings and form what can be amazing relationships with equally amazing people. Many people will judge you for dating a widow. And then there will be those who flat out believe since this person has dealt with the death of her spouse that she is mentally incapable of being “all there” or truly loving someone new. I can say that I faced all of these assumptions myself. My only advice for this is to trust your judgement. Trust your heart and what you know is best. Ignore what others may think because you will soon find out that they are completely wrong.
I have touched on a few struggles that I have faced and I know there are many, many more. All of this being said…that fear that many have of dating a widow and the complications it may bring : you see, dating a widow has many struggles and bumps along the way but what comes out on the other side is unlike any other relationship. You will experience love that you cannot experience in normal circumstances. Your spouse will have a completely different respect for love and life. The little things that blow up and cause arguments in normal relationships will be insignificant to them. They know how trivial these things are. I have been showered with so much love and acts of service that at times I feel guilty. But it is this unlimited love that causes you to reciprocate and love more then you feel capable of. A widow is able to love so relentlessly because she knows, unlike anyone else, just how precious life is. She knows that one day her spouse may not come home. Loving a widow, and being loved unconditionally in return, is unlike any other love you could experience in a typical relationship.
My advice to anyone who may find themselves in a situation like mine, where you are at the fork in the road and debating which direction to turn, is to take the bumpy, less traveled path head on. Love that widow with all you know how. Let God use you as a tool to heal the broken hearted because in return you will experience love and happiness unlike anything else.
Psalm 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
