About 5 months after I lost Mike I had the most vivid dream. A dream that I never really understood, yet I knew there was great significance to it.
In this dream I was on a walk with a little girl. A petite, blonde toddler walking in front of me. I never saw her face, only the back of her. She was wearing a cute pink summer dress, sandals and her blonde hair was flowing in the breeze. In my dream I knew she was my daughter. The only thing I did in this dream was follow behind my little girl as she giggled and skipped down a path.
I remember waking up and being stunned at how real the dream was and also a little bummed thinking that would never be me.
All I knew and believed was that God’s plan was for me to be a boy mom and a mom of 2. Having a daughter was always something I had wondered about. If we would have tried for #3 would it have been a girl? We would joke saying with our luck it would be twin boys.
I didn’t have the easiest of pregnancies with my sons. They were also both born premature. With that to consider, as well as the nature of Mike’s line of work and the crazy schedule he always had, we made the decision to not have any more children after our second son was born. We went as far as having a tubal ligation done during my C-section.
So this dream of me walking with a daughter was just that, a dream. Not only had we made the decision to not have any more children, let alone a little girl, my husband was gone. It was now my two sons and I. I couldn’t imagine having any more children who would have to face losing their dad. I started to understand why God’s plan was for me to have only two… or so I thought.
Fast forward three years.
Here I am a mom of four. My two boys are thriving and my bonus son and daughter have brought more joy and love into my life than I can even put into words.
When I met my bonus daughter I thought back to the dream I had. Maybe this was my dream unfolding. God was blessing me with a daughter. Yet, my bonus daughter was 5 when I met her, not a toddler. In the back of my mind I have thought this must be the significance because I never thought I’d be having any more children of my own.
After David and I got married we started to seriously discuss and pray about the idea of having more children. We knew it wouldn’t be an easy feat and may not even be a possibility. After lots of prayer and consideration we decided that we would reach out to my doctors and get their opinions and go from there.
The verdict was that doing a tubal ligation reversal wasn’t an option for me. So we were referred to an InVitro Fertilization doctor to weigh our options with that route.
At this point we were still unsure about everything and not clear on what God’s plan was either. But we decided that we would both go ahead and do the necessary testing needed for an initial consultation with an IVF doctor.
We were nervous, we had no clue what to expect and definitely weren’t fully educated yet on all that comes with the whole IVF process. I remember going into that consultation full of hope and excitement and left pretty deflated.
Basically, the tests results showed that my body was already in a pre-menopausal state, I did not have very many eggs and our chances of IVF being successful was about 4%. Apparently my body going through the hormone changes of a tubal ligation at the young age of 25 combined with all the trauma my body went through when I lost Mike played a pretty hefty toll on me.
The news was disappointing. We were pretty much out of options to conceive a baby and I felt like it was all my fault…
