I have always dreamed of having a daughter. Would she look like me? Would she prefer ballet or sports? It would be fun to decorate a pink bedroom and match big hairbows to all her outfits. I shared in a previous post about the actual dream I did have. You can read more HERE.
I would say I identify as a boy mom, because it’s all I know. Two boys back to back. I think they look like their dad. They prefer basketball over most other sports. Decorating their bedrooms has been nothing short of all things blue and sports related. Do not get me wrong, I love everything that comes with being a boy mom. I would be lying if I didn’t say I have still dreamed of what it would be like to be a girl mom.
I also used to dream about retirement with Mike. We had our kids young on purpose knowing as a police officer who began his career in his early twenties he would retire young. We would be retired, empty nesters by our early forties. Even though we had serious talks a couple of times about trying one more time to see if we would get a girl, Mike always pulled the plug before we got too serious. He joked saying he only made boys and with our luck we would end up with twin boys if we tried one more time.
When I lost Mike, the dream of early empty nester bliss and growing old together was suddenly crushed in the blink of an eye.
When I lost Mike, the dream of having a little girl was also crushed.
I have shed enough tears to fill up empty lakes over the loss of these two dreams. I would sob at Mike’s gravesite on a daily basis scared as to what my “new” future as a widowed boy mom would hold. That site could be identified with sorrow for quite some time.
After a lot of prayer, a long visit with Mike, and lakes of tears shed, everything started to change. More details HERE.
Eventually, Mike’s gravesite became more of my sanctuary, my happy place. More often I came to relax, unwind and even getaway from the busy boy mom life I was living. Less tears and more laughs as I would sit to reflect and talk to Mike.
Shortly after David and I started dating, I brought him to visit Mike with me. I saw a different side of him that day. He was more serious and quiet. At one point while we were there he asked me if I could go sit in the car so he could have a moment. I sat in my car and watched the back of the man I was falling in love with stand over the grave of the man who will forever be my husband and my first love. He later told me he made a promise to Mike that day to take over where he had left off. To love and take care of his sons and wife.
As the years went by and with each visit to see Mike I had more exciting news to tell him and more to reflect on. Life was slowly becoming more “normal” with less tears and more happiness and love.
Isaiah 66:9 says, “I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born.”
I have experienced more heartache and pain than I would ever wish upon anyone. I will always wonder and even wrestle with the question as to why God allows all that pain. Even in Isaiah, God makes a promise. His promise says He will not let all that pain be in vein. He promises to create something new in my life, in your life.
Mike’s 4th End of Watch anniversary was on the 14th. We kept with tradition and ate his favorite treat, ice cream, at the cemetery. This time we brought someone extra special with us to visit Mike. Someone who represents love, faith and God’s promise from Isaiah.
We brought our baby girl, Savannah Faith with us.
My visits to see Mike have come full circle. From broken hearted visits soaked in tears to nervous visits introducing my new boyfriend to him. Now, visits with my dream little girl on my hip as I stand over Mike smiling and laughing with our sons and husband on earth.
I was convinced my dreams were shattered. I never expected the something new to come from all my pain would be a miracle daughter I had literally only dreamed of.
I never could have imagined I would one day be visiting Mike, my husband in heaven with not only David, my husband on earth but with my baby girl. And I can not wait to tell Savannah all about him.
That’s how God works. He creates the unimaginable. He allows something new to be born out of the pain. In my case, it literally was the birth of my daughter.
For you, I pray any pain you have endured or may be enduring at this moment, will soon reveal something new in your life. Something new that is incredible. Something new you may never could imagine for yourself. Something new that can only be orchestrated by the Lord.
