Death is such a dark word. Some synonyms for the word death are end, expiration, finish, extermination, ruin, eradication, termination, obliteration. Every single word is depressing.

This is why we use terms like pass away, went to be with Jesus, pass on, loss of life, resting in peace. They seem more gentle, maybe even less offensive. Because the word death is harsh, sad, a reality and definitely not my favorite word.

You see, my husband died. His death has caused darkness and depression.

When someone experiences the death of a loved one, that person doesn’t just die on a specific day that end caps their birthday. Like for Mike it’s October 18, 1981 – June 14, 2016. That final date doesn’t mean their final death to those living in the reality of their loss. Any and every day they can die all over again.

When my son wins the championship game, and his dad isn’t there to see his son raise that trophy up. When a new niece or nephew is born that will never meet their uncle Mike here on earth. When my son starts driving. When there is another parent meeting at school. When another birthday or anniversary goes by. When a buddy at work gets promoted to sergeant. Mike isn’t there to congratulate him or even to join him in his new rank.

He dies all over again. Every. single. time.

How about the word beauty? When I write this word it’s almost like the heaviness of this blog post so far has been lifted. There’s a deep breath that can be taken when the word beauty is described. Some synonyms for the word beauty are pleasing, attractive, charm, wonder, splendor. Even when I asked the followers on my @beautyforourashesblog Instagram page to describe beauty in one word some of their answers were peace, breathtaking, natural, healthy, holy, love.

Not one person described beauty as death. Why would they? Death and beauty are words that should be antonyms to each other.

There is nothing beautiful about death, about a person you love dying, leaving you here on this earth to try to live your life without them.

Or is there?

Every single time an event or a moment happens in my life where I think “he should be here” in my mind and my heart I feel as if Mike has died all over again, he also lives. Mike lives because when I watch our sons play basketball I feel sometimes as though I am sitting on those bleachers all over again watching him play as a teenager. They stand, run, shoot, dribble, even get cocky or mad at bad calls from the refs exactly like him. Oh, my goodness, one son even smells exactly like him. I wish that after game stench would have died with him… ha. When a new baby is born into our family it gives us a chance to tell our stories about him all over again so that they can learn about who Uncle Mike is. Our son is now driving Mike’s truck as his own. Sitting in the same seat and turning the same steering wheel. When a buddy gets into a new unit at the police department or gets promoted in the ranks, Mike’s name or badge number has been put on a helmet or a motorcycle. I am invited to a promotion ceremony to represent Mike. He is thought about, missed and mentioned. He is kept alive and is still there routing on and protecting his blue family.

I have to choose to make death be something full of beauty. If I don’t create a new to us life after this loss it will forever be dark, depressing, lonely, finished and ruined.

We have to choose to find the beauty, joy, charm and wonder in those moments where we feel as if our loved one has died all over again.

The death of my husband has created some very dark and depressing moments for me. The death of my husband has also created some very beautiful and breathtaking moments for me.

I will choose for his death to be filled with beauty. I will choose for his life to be remembered. His name to be said. His legacy to live on. Mike’s undying love for Jesus Christ, his family, his friends to be shared with the world in hopes to change lives for His glory will forever be what creates the beauty of his death.