This week is typically one I dread. It brings me a lot of anxiety. It brings me tears. It makes me worry extra about my sons and their emotions. It makes me extra emotional. It is busy and full of obligations. 

 

It is the beginning of National Police Week. (Read my post I wrote this time last year about more information on Police Week HERE)

 

This week also brings me a lot of pride. It reminds me how proud and honored I am to be the wife and widow of Officer Michael Jason Katherman.

 

This year, this week is different. It is almost just like any other typical week. You would think I’d be relieved. I thought I would

be relieved too. Relieved the annual memorial ceremonies I dread going to are all cancelled. Relieved I don’t have to make my sons decide whether or not they want to attend the ceremonies this year. Relieved I don’t have to hear the dreaded bag pipes play or flinch at the loud twenty-one gun salute. Relieved I don’t have to go be the center of attention with all the other fallen officer families and keep a fake smile painted on my face as I greet people when deep inside I am trying so hard not to have a break down right there in front of all the officers standing at attention or the crowds of people in attendance. 

 

I thought this quarantine was my out. No mass gatherings of people together was my easy excuse not to have to attend. Shelter in place makes me have to stay home anyways. 

 

I thought wrong. All wrong. 

 

To be honest, I am having a really hard time with the decision of not being able to attend being made for me. I am having a really hard time with the annual fallen officer memorial where my husband in heaven’s name is read, his accident is described and a bell is rung in his honor has been pre recorded and now I have to watch it on Wednesday from my house instead of attend in person. 

 

Later in the week is also our local Sheriff Department memorial ceremony where Mike will be honored once again. Every year I say I am going to attend and every year I can not stomach going to another ceremony in one week and I do not go. I have never been to one of these ceremonies and this year I was going to actually try my absolute best to attend and now I am being forced not to. 

 

I feel incredibly guilty, like I am letting Mike down. I feel as if everyone has forgotten about him, even though deep down I know that is not true. I feel like I have a huge responsibility on my shoulders to make sure he is still honored during police week, regardless of this whole country being shut down. 

 

I went to the cemetery over the weekend. I cleaned up all the leaves, I swept all the dirt off the headstone, killed lots of gross bugs, polished the granite, took some pretty pictures and enjoyed some ice cream with my bonus daughter who was thrilled to be there with me. It made me feel a little better. Neither of my boys wanted to come, but that is ok. I never force them. 

 

I tried to organize a way to keep our annual tradition of going to eat lunch at a local restaurant where Mike loved to go eat at when he was working. They are only open for take out and we can’t gather in groups of more than ten. Not to mention, one of my sons doesn’t want to eat there anyways. 

 

I suggested having our friends over to our house for some ice cream Wednesday evening, the day of the SJPD memorial service. We could keep our distance and stay in the yard. One of my sons does not want anyone to come over. 

 

It is hard when the boys and I grieve in different ways, have different views, desires and emotions on weeks like this one. I need to be respectful of how they feel and how they want to honor their dad this week, but deep down I want to keep up with every tradition and make sure I do all I can this week (and every day) for Mike to be honored and remembered. 

 

Nothing has been what we expected over the last two months. My sons baseball and basketball seasons were cancelled, I’m now homeschooling them along with my bonus kids, we have not seen our friends or family in months, I can not even enter a store with out a mask, I practically bathe in hand sanitizer whenever I leave my house and my hair is turning brown for goodness sakes because I can not even go to the salon. I know all this change is going on for everyone and not just me. You would think I would be used to the disappointments and the crazy new normal we have going on by now. 

 

I guess I am not. 

 

If it crosses your mind this week please take a moment to remember the police officers who have paid the ultimate price. Those who have lost their lives trying to serve and protect their communities. Remember the family and friends they left behind who miss them so dearly. 

 

You could put a blue light on your porch, light a candle, say a prayer, watch different local, state and national memorial ceremonies that will be streaming online. 

 

If you even wanted to take it a step further you could participate in a fundraiser my sons and I have created in honor of Mike with 100% of the proceeds going to the San Jose Police Chaplains. These men and this program has been an amazing support system not only to our family, but to all our officers, their families and our community. You can find the link to the fundraiser HERE. 

 

We are in some crazy times right now and it makes certain days harder than others. I know some of my thinking about feeling so guilty I am not honoring Mike enough this week is illogical, yet it still stings, hurts and overwhelms my thoughts and emotions.

 

No quarantine or shelter in place is going to stop me from honoring my fallen officer and all who have lost their lives in the line of duty a little extra this week. Even if it is at home, watching pre recorded ceremonies and staying at home spending time with my family. Let’s look in the bright side of things, no one has to see my brown roots coming in, I can attend these ceremonies without any makeup and even wear my pajamas. It may be the best Police Memorial Week yet.