I recently observed a mom having a difficult time getting a toy away from her child. We were at a location where outside items could not be brought in, yet the boy had a toy that he obviously did not want to give up. I watched as this mom told her son to give her the toy. I listened to the boy as he yelled at his mom, refusing to comply with her request.
I watched this mom patiently try to get her son to hand her the toy many times as many other people around us also stood there, watching. She continued to count, 1-2-3, and her son still didn’t listen. Finally, she had to pry it out of his hands which was followed by him running away from her. I am positive that sweet mom felt defeated, frustrated and most likely embarrassed. I am positive those bystanders saw her as weak and maybe even a bad mother. I am positive those same bystanders saw that little boy as a disrespectful brat.
I wanted to hug her. I wanted to encourage her. I wanted to tell her I’ve been there. I wanted to tell her she isn’t a bad mom. I didn’t, but I wish I would have.
I have no clue why that toy was so important to that boy. I don’t know what made him yell at his mom that way or be disrespectful. But what I do know is that I did not judge that mom for how her child reacted to her request and I did not judge her boy for his behavior.
I did not judge them because I do not know their story.
I don’t know if she is a single mom doing the best she can to raise that boy on her own. I don’t know if that was her new foster son and this was his first outing. I don’t know if that boy lost his dad recently and he is angry and takes it out on her because she is all he has left.
What I do know is that she is a “Good Enough Mother”.
I often feel like I am not a good enough mother. I try too hard to be perfect for my children. I want everything in their upturned worlds to be perfect. I try so hard to do all I can to make them happy. I try so hard to keep the memory of their dad alive. I try to keep them in the sports they love and support the hobbies they enjoy. I try to help fix their pain and heal their hearts all on my own. I try to raise respectful and obedient children and get embarrassed when they aren’t that and worry if people are judging me. I try and try but never feel like it’s enough. I fail daily. I let them down often. I am not the perfect mom that I think they need.
Letting myself be okay with being a mother that is good enough is something I have had to work through in therapy. My therapist introduced me to the concept of the “Good Enough Mother” and it has opened my eyes and even calmed my mom heart.
Currently we live in a perfection-driven society. The ordinary, devoted mother isn’t good enough anymore. Instead we need to be super-moms with perfectly behaved kids. Moms who bounce from the soccer field to dance class to piano lessons without missing a beat. Super-moms who attend every PTA meeting, plan multiple playdates each week, make Pinterest-worthy snacks and have perfectly dressed children who never have more than 30 minutes of screen time a day.
Moms today need to have plans made every day of summer so that the summer vacation bucket list is checked off and you better have that important list printed from Pinterest and hung where it can be seen. Don’t forget to pack that healthy, gluten, dairy, sugar-free lunch in the adorable new lunch box when school starts. PB&J in a paper bag is definitely not good enough for our precious children. The lists could go on and on.
I read an article recently which said that keeping up with the Joneses has turned into keeping up with the Joneses’ kids. How true is that?
The phrase, “Good Enough Mother” was coined by British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D. W. Winicott. Winicott’s message, summed up, is that children need failure in their environment. If they don’t practice how to react to normal, everyday mishaps then how will they make it in the real world? Children need to see their parents be imperfect, mess up, even fail at times.
The most important thing though is teaching by example. How do we react to our own failures or random mishaps? When there isn’t enough time in the day to make the Pinterest-perfect snacks for the school party do we apologize to our child and to the teacher for the boxes of juice and the store-bought granola bars? Why can’t that just be good enough? Why does this make us moms feel bad and like we are not good enough?
Instead, we need to own the last-minute snacks without apologizing and be honest with our child that there isn’t enough time in the day to bake and wrap the items in fancy packaging today. These items were easy to pick up and were even on sale so we saved some money too. It seems so silly, yet it’s so real.
“Real mothers are the best kind of mothers (and the only kind!). It takes an imperfect mother to raise a child well. You see, children need to learn about life through real experiences. They need to learn to deal with disappointments and frustrations. They need to overcome their greed and their wish to be the center of the universe. They need to learn to respect the needs and limitations of other people, including their mothers. And they need to learn to do things for themselves.” – Jennifer Kunst Ph.D.
Let me tell you, I need to take Winicott’s message to heart. I struggle with being a real mom, who is good enough already. I so enjoy the fact that my kids are busy with sports and browsing Pinterest is one of my favorite “hobbies”. Yet, I can’t hold myself to these unrealistic expectations. It would just do my kids a disservice. They need a real mom, who fails daily, who embraces the “good enough” and doesn’t apologize for not living up to perfection.
