(This post is written by my husband on earth, David)
Mike, I must admit to you that I fail on a daily basis. I must admit that I constantly have feelings of guilt and not being good enough. You see, when I first met April I fell in love. The feelings and emotions she brought about were instant. I couldn’t help but think, should I be doing this? She told me her whole story so I was well aware of what I was walking into. I obviously conquered those fears as I sit writing this in our home early this morning before the sun, April and the boys are up.
I write this morning as a response to the post April wrote, “To the Dad on Earth of My Sons.” Usually, I am aware of her upcoming posts. We talk about them and she asks me what I think, but this time I had no clue. When I read this post you would have laughed at me. I sobbed like a baby. You see, the uncontrollable tears that streaked down my face were both happy and sad.
I know you can see all that I struggle with when nobody else does, even April. Believe it or not, coming in to the lives of your bride and your boys was an easy decision. I know how you felt about them and I feel the same way too. But what I didn’t know was just how much hurt and destruction these three were dealing with. I knew losing you rocked their world but I was unprepared for what was to come. My heart hurt on a daily basis knowing what they were going through. I prayed daily for the strength and wisdom to help them the best way I can.
I gently and slowly entered their lives out of respect for you and respect for their broken fragile hearts. The boys have both dealt with the loss of you so differently. With one, trust was hard to gain and he did not want his mom further then arms reach. With the other, it felt as if the trust was there and nothing was wrong. As time moved on the trust was formed and things began to change.
I thank God that you and I enjoyed the same hobbies, sports and places to adventure. This made the connection with me and your boys so much stronger. The very things that we enjoy most, that bring smiles to our face and forge lasting memories also bring internal hurt and sadness in me. Sometimes I am stopped dead in my tracks and struck with guilt in the midst of fun and positive activities. My favorite hobby is fishing and I am glad it was one of yours too. Quite a few times I couldn’t help but feel guilt while out on a trip with the boys. In Hawaii, when we were there for your birthday week, I rented our own charter boat to fish offshore for a chance to catch big game fish, something Josh tells me you did all of the time. I knew he wanted to catch big game fish like you because he made it well known! While on the trip in Hawaii we caught plenty of smaller Tuna, but the day was wearing thin and still nothing big. Selfishly, I prayed for something big, something to make Josh’s dream a reality. Two Marlin later his dreams were fulfilled. I was ecstatic and smiling ear to ear. But then it hit me. I got to experience this with your boys, not you… I instantly felt guilt and wished you were there to be doing this with your boys.
The other day Josh and I went on a 5 mile mountain bike ride in the hills. At times it was brutal ,but he pushed through and we got to the peak overlooking the town. I just thought of how fun this was and how much he was enjoying it. Yet again guilt sank in.
When I am out there coaching and helping them with baseball and basketball the guilt hits from time to time.
When April and I get to have a weekend away the guilt sinks in. I don’t know if there will ever be a time where the feeling of guilt is completely gone, but reading your words in this last post sure does help. Sure, April wrote that post, but when I read each and every word it was as if you were right there telling me these things yourself. Those words are reassuring and much needed from time to time.
It is hard for me to say, but I would give anything for you to be back in my shoes and doing all of this with your family again. Often, I will almost angrily cry out to God and ask why? Why me? Why did April and these boys have to endure so much loss and pain? Why do they have to grow up without their dad? Why do I get to experience all of these great memories with them? Why not their dad? But I know it is not my place to question God. I may never know why. I have to remind myself that despite all of the burdens and pains those three have dealt with and continue to deal with my job is to be present and love and lead them.
This is where I must say thank you, Mike. Thank you for loving on them like you did. Thank you for being such a hard working husband and dad who provided for his family. Thank you for being involved in all the sports teams. Thank you for bringing them up in a Godly household and leading them. Thank you for teaching them about hard work, love and respect. Thank you for always putting them first above all things. Thank you for taking them camping and fishing. All of this has brought them to where they are today.
My hope is to always make you proud and accept the way I am raising your boys. My hope is to always keep you in the midst of this family. My hope is to always honor your name and always bring light to your memories with them. My hope is to make them feel like they did when you were here. That I always help them in their struggles, coach them with sports and take them camping and fishing.
Mike, you have the most amazing family and friends. I watched them come to the aid of April and the boys, vowing to always be here for them, and they have and still do. One thing I want you to know is that April and the boys are in good hands. Not just because of me, but because of your friends and family and now mine too. My family and friends love these three like their own.
Today in church these following words from a worship song really pierced my heart- “Where you lost your life so I could find mine here.”
These words mean so much and speak volumes to my situation. Day in and day out you went to work willing to lay your life down for the very people you protect and serve. On that fateful day the lives of many changed forever and as a result of that, years later mine was realized.
Many reading this may feel the same way I do. Some may struggle with the guilt of being present when someone else cannot. That guilt is a natural feeling. That guilt is a sign of something good. I think that these feelings show a sign of respect. It shows you care. And most importantly, it shows that the things that were once normal in the lives of your loved ones effected by loss are still present today.
I challenge everyone who shares my feelings of guilt with a similar situation to never let it be a deterrent to doing what is right. Mike, I promise to never let my own feelings of guilt keep me from making memories and continuing the old ones with April and the boys. I can only hope that I can make you proud and happy of where these boys are now and who they become. With the foundation you have set for them they are bound for success. You would be so proud of the amazing little men they are becoming.
From, The Dad on Earth of Your Sons
