**This post is written by my husband on earth, David.**
On my way to work this morning a song started to play by an artist named Kolby Cooper. It was called “Curse October”. You can listen to it HERE. I listened and couldn’t help but be struck by the lyrics. It made me really examine my two bonus sons and what they have endured in life at such a young age.
It made me think about the importance of truly understanding their pain, and how important my relationship has been, is now, and will always be for them. It really pushed me to write about the experiences I have had stepping in to the lives of two young boys who have just been through hell. Boys that needed so much.
Hopefully my experiences, my fails, and successes in our journey together could help someone else who may be fresh in a relationship with a widow with young children.
The lyrics to this song are as follows-
I still remember that October day
It was hot like you never liked the sun beatin’ on my face
The doctor told us it’d be the one to take you away
We went to bed that night, knowin’ our lives’ll change
And I still remember wakin’ to the news
Boys your daddys gone, come say goodbye for good
I cried all my tears, went back to my room
I shut the door hit the floor askin’ God why you
Curse October for makin’ me grow too fast
Like most things in life the good ones never last
People say he died to young, I can’t say I disagree
Curse October for takin’ you from me
Never knew depression like I did that year
14 and a lot to learn, wishin’ you were here
Just needed to talk for a minute or two
But I couldn’t go by that stone it put me in a bad mood
Curse October for makin’ me grow too fast
Like most things in life the good ones never last
People say he died to young, I can’t say I disagree
Curse October for takin’ you from me
Everywhere there’s somethin’ to remind me of you
Like this truck I drive and to tell you the truth
It gets better everyday
But it’s still hard as hell and that’s somethin’ that won’t change
Curse October for makin’ me grow too fast
Like most things in life the good ones never last
People say he died to young, I can’t say I disagree
Curse October for takin’ you from me
There are a few things that I hand-picked from this song which really struck a chord in me.
First, the line that says “And I still remember wakin’ to the news, boys your daddys gone, come say goodbye for good. I cried all my tears, went back to my room. I shut the door hit the floor askin’ God why you”.
The loss of a parent is devastating for anyone. But especially for young children that absolutely love their parent with all they have. Especially, when it is sudden and unexpected. I couldn’t help but think, what did their little hearts think when mom broke the news to them? Were they angry? Were they sad? Were they confused and scared? I know they had to be all of the above and then some. A defining moment like that is what triggers a domino effect of life altering emotions and feelings that we as bonus or step parents simply cannot fully comprehend unless we too have lived through similar circumstances.
The second line that stuck out to me was this, “Never knew depression like I did that year. 14 and a lot to learn, wishin’ you were here. Just needed to talk, for a minute or two. But I couldn’t go by that stone, it put me in a bad mood”.
At the young ages of 8 and 10, I am certain my bonus sons had no clue what depression and grief would look like in their lives. When I first started dating April I had no clue what this would look like in her boys either.
You see, when we picture depression I think most could agree that we picture someone in dark clothing, hood over their head, isolated from everyone just contemplating life. When we picture grief I would safely assume we picture someone sobbing in their knees in a sitting down position, knees bent, and arms wrapped around their legs. We picture someone curled up in bed clinging to a pillow while they sob.
I would put money on the fact that we would never picture a young boy in a basketball jersey, a young boy playing baseball, or riding a bike around the neighborhood. It took quite some time for me to realize how this looks in my bonus sons.
For the oldest son I learned that depression and grief for him was expressed in extreme attachment not only to his mother, but to anything and everything that would remind him of dad, that dad was good at. He yearned for direction, he needed the male relationship of father and son, but in the beginning was too afraid and did not know why. He had to grow up “too fast”, just as this song mentions. He was the oldest and took on the role of protector and the “do it all” boy at the young age of 10 years old. He didn’t trust me and always “knew better” early on in our relationship.
At times it wore on me. Luckily, I came to realize he was thrust into this role in which he thought what he was doing was needed, what he was doing would make dad proud, and what was expected of him.
Today these very traits are still present. The only difference is that they are a smaller blip on the radar. It was extremely important for me to allow him to be the man he thought he had to be. But at the same time, try to gently teach him that I am here to help. I am here to love him and his mom and take care of them.
Most importantly, I am here to pick up where his dad left off. What that looks like is not replacing him, just simply being there to teach, to father, to coach sports, to camp, to fish, and do anything and everything he once was used to doing with dad. Also, letting him know, feel, understand, and realize that it is okay to let go of those responsibilities and be a kid again. Run around, get dirty, play with friends, and enjoying life again.
For my second bonus son, the youngest of the two, it was quite a bit different. In him the depression and grief was expressed in a much different way, and still is.
Early on in our relationship I quickly realized that he dealt with his depression and grief through anger. When we first met he wasn’t scared, he wasn’t cautious of me like his older brother. He was okay with our new relationship, but needed all the same help his older brother needed. On the outside one would assume he was a normal young boy just enjoying what life has to offer him. But deep inside he was hurting and not able to express his feelings. The amount of anger and frustration that would build and build until it finally poured over and it was extreme at times. He did not know how to handle his feelings and thoughts and did not know what would help.
For me coming in to his life I truly can say that I was clueless as well. Over time I realized the best thing for me to do was interact. Not ask him about his feelings, not try to fix his emotions and destructive outbursts. Just be there to play with him. Be there to shoot hoops. Be there to fish, to fill a void in which was huge in his life. To this day he still needs these very same things. He still seeks the attention from me. He still would love it if I did what he wanted all the time, and surprisingly most of the time he’d prefer it just him and I, not including his older brother (probably because they are at that competitive, “I am better than you” stage in life). He still has a hard time expressing feelings and that is okay.
As a bonus parent it is important to know that you will not have all the answers. You won’t always do what is right, or what is best for them. What is most important is being present, listening, and experiencing life with them through what they perceive as fun, what they think their dad or mom would have loved to do. To always respect and honor their lost father or mother. Always show them positivity when it comes to their lost parent.
The last topics from this song I would like to touch on is when he sings-“ Just needed to talk for a minute or two, but I couldn’t go by that stone it put me in a bad mood”, and “Everywhere there’s somethin’ to remind me of you. Like this truck I drive and to tell you the truth, it gets better every day but it’s still hard as hell, and that’s somethin’ that won’t change”.
In the few short years that I have been in the lives of my two bonus sons, they have grown so far from when I first met them. When their dad was killed in the line of duty, April made the decision to bury him close to them in a beautiful setting so she and the boys could go to see him, talk to him, share laughs and cries any day they feel the need.
In the beginning though, this was only a reality for April. The boys did not want any part of going to see where dad rests. I know this had to hurt April quite a bit, but their little hearts and lives were just shattered and turned upside down. You cannot blame them for the reservations they had.
Time always heals and for them it certainly took time, but when the time was right they healed enough to allow themselves to visit dad. One thing that I found to help in my experience is showing the boys that I too am interested in visiting their dad. Showing them that it is healthy, it is reality, and it is a way to heal, to love, and to let out your burdens of what life throws at you. Most importantly they found out that it is a way for them to cry out to the one they were able to once come to and hug. The one they ran to with problems. The one who helped them through many of life’s struggles.
Here is a funny story about visiting Mike at the cemetery. As mentioned before, these two boys originally were afraid to go see dad. Well, here we are years later and our whole family visits him an average of once a week. Often times I will take the kids myself and hang out over there to pass time if mom has things she needs to get done like editing or another step for her book launch.
Each of the two have different attitudes and personalities in life. Especially when we are visiting dad. Josh tends to be light hearted, but serious and mature. Jason on the other hand likes to be a comedian, just like his dad. The other day I took Josh, Jason, and my daughter Savannah to visit Mike. We got dinner, brought lawn chairs, and ate dinner while visiting Mike. Savannah loves to sit on the grass and just chat away while there. So we are hanging out and Savannah was eating some French fries the boys gave her. She proceeds to take a bite, then look down (right where Mike is buried) and try to share a fry with him. We all were cracking up and she was so focused on sharing a fry with the ground where Mike lay.
While we all thought it was hilarious and started to film it, Jason of course, has to be Jason and take it to another level of comedic value. So he proceeds to crack a joke. He laughs, and then with a straight face proceeds to say-“Well she’s probably sharing her fries with my dad because he’s starving, I mean he hasn’t eaten in years”.
This may seem like just a funny story. To me it is a sign of how amazingly far they both have come. Never in my life would I have thought they would be eating and enjoying the company of dad where he is buried. I most certainly never would have guessed Jason would have been making fun of his dad who is no longer with us!
As hard as it may seem as a bonus parent, I have also found that when dealing with discipline and respect and character in your bonus kids, it is important to show the love and respect towards their still living parent. Especially when the one they lost was so good at it.
Do not let them see negativity and disrespect. In my case, my bonus sons need reminders from time to time in regards to self-image and respect, especially towards their mom. This is one thing I know their dad, Mike, was so good at. I know how much he constantly told them to be good for their mom, to respect her, and treat her well.
Sometimes when I feel as if my words may not get through to them, or when I am failing in the disciplinary roll, or teaching these two I will take them to the cemetery to talk to dad. I do not do this to guilt them. I do this for them to be able to let go and talk to dad about struggles that may be causing the frustrations leading to outbursts. I do this so I can talk to Mike and ask for his help and guidance as well. And lastly, I have them apologize to him. Harsh? Maybe. But it stings them, it pierces their heart to really understand that any level of disrespect to his bride is not okay. They feel it. They tear up and genuinely apologize. And guess what? This hard life lesson has worked. It doesn’t have to happen often, but when it does I can see and feel a sense of relief in them both.
The last thing I would like to leave you with is that this pain, this grief and depression will most likely never go away. Grief is a life long struggle and it needs to be known that it is okay for this to be reality. The fact of the matter is simply and exactly what the words of this song speak.
The song sums it up the best when he says-“It gets better every day but it’s still hard as hell and that’s somethin’ that won’t change”.
Let them know it is okay to feel that anger. To feel the sadness. It is natural and there is nothing wrong with that. Be there for them and help them through the bad times the best you know how.
