I’m afraid of spiders. I quite possibly might be heard screaming every time I see one. I’m afraid of snakes. Even the “nice” ones that people hold and have as pets. You people are crazy. I’m afraid of the dark. When we lived in the country I used to freak myself out if I had run outside to the car at night, check the mail, or go to the barn. I’m afraid of mice. I will jump on the counter top like a ninja if I spot one.
Yet, no petty fear like these can ever compare to the absolute fear and almost even terror I felt after Mike died. This fear was instant. The night I collapsed on the grass in my front yard when the news was confirmed I remember saying out loud to my friend, “What am I going to do?” I was instantly scared and terrified.
The fear I felt controlled me. I was afraid to leave the house. I was afraid to drive. It was weeks before I left my house for anything other than police related meetings or memorials of some sort. I was also driven to all of these. I didn’t drive myself for weeks.
I was afraid to parent my boys by myself. How was I supposed to raise these boys on my own? How in the world was I going to keep them safe or protect them? Mike was our protector. I never ever felt unsafe when he was around.
I was afraid of our property and our toys. By toys I mean our boat, dirt bikes, camping trailer, etc. I had a fear that I would never be able to take care of any of it like Mike did. I didn’t know how to use the riding lawn mower, prune all of our fruit trees, spray for bugs, clean the gutters, continue all the remodeling he was in the middle of doing himself. I couldn’t tow a toy hauler camping trailer behind the truck and I had no clue how to change the oil on the dirt bikes or where all the tools were kept. Mike did all that stuff.
My biggest fear of them all was the fear of our future. I felt like that day that we lost Mike we lost our whole future along with him.
As the months went by and I started working on all my fears they all came flooding back… literally… when I woke up to my house underwater. I was alone with my boys and we were absolutely terrified. But I didn’t have the option to show my fear. I needed to get my boys to safety. Even if that meant putting them on my back, trudging through water that covered electric outlets that were still working, making them stand on top of the kitchen table and trying to stay calm for them while we waited to be rescued as more water entered our home.
I couldn’t show my fear that once we got rescued I then realized we had no place to go. We had no where to live. Yes, we have amazing friends that took us in and would have let us stay with them as long as we needed, but in reality I still had to find a place for us to live. Our home was ruined. Our stuff was ruined. We were in our pajamas and socks. We had nothing. At this point fear isn’t even a word that is adequate enough to describe how I was feeling.
When we moved into a tiny apartment by ourselves my fear was overwhelming. All alone with my boys in a strange place, borrowing furniture from friends, with no idea what we were going to do with our flooded home or where we were going to live after my short term lease was up.
I was afraid to go to our abandoned, flooded home by myself. Every time I would go I would see new muddy footprints, broken windows, attics rummaged through, and more muddy items stolen. Awful people were raiding my home and taking advantage of the whole horrific situation and I was scared to go there alone. I didn’t know who or what I would encounter, including snakes. They were living in the nasty standing water.
It took me some time to realize I could not let this fear overtake me. I had to get it together and do everything possible to get my boys in a stable home where they would feel safe. They needed to continue not only to heal from losing their dad but now begin to heal from yet another tragedy that they had to face.
Fear could not own me anymore.
Of course leaning on the support of my family and friends helped. As I’ve mentioned many times, I am beyond blessed with the most amazing support group. Also, when I met David, the boys and I were finally in our secure rental home and getting more stable even though I was still dealing with the flooded house and trying to sell it. He was and always is a huge support to the boys and I.
God brought him into our lives at the most perfect time.
Fear could not own me anymore.
Trusting in the Lord. Trusting that His plan, even though I despised it, was perfect. I had to be confident that He would see us through all of this and we would be okay.
Look where the boys and I are now. The Lord kept his promises to us. Yes, fear still creeps in. I recently shared about my current struggle with my youngest son. I often fear that I’m not going to be able to help him work through all he is dealing with. I fear I am failing him.
If you are dealing with fear at any level I encourage you to listen to a song by Francesca Battistelli called “The Break Up Song.”
Some of lyrics became my prayer and I still listen to this song and pray these words often:
Sick and tired of being sick and tired
Had as much of you as I can take
I’m so done, so over being afraid
Fear, you don’t own me
There ain’t no room in this story
And I ain’t got time for you
Telling me what I’m not
Like you know me, well guess what?
I know who I am
I know I’m strong
And I am free
Got my own identity
So fear, you will never be welcome here
Something’s gotta give so I give up you
There’s no room for you here
I’ve had enough
The no vacancy sign on my heart is lit up
Listen to this song. Put it on your playlist. Pray these lyrics. If these words can be a powerful prayer for me and has gotten me through some of the worst tragedies one should ever have to face and can still get me through my current fears, I know these words can help anyone.
Sometimes we may think that God’s plan simply sucks. We may never understand his reasonings. But we can have confidence in knowing that God will always take care of us and never leave us.
He can take away the worry and the FEAR.
Fear will not own me!
