1. Acknowledge Their Loss
Mailing a handwritten sympathy card or sending flowers may seem like it is overdone, but let me tell you, it means a lot. I read every card that I received in the mail, was dropped at my porch, or hand delivered. I displayed every single flower arrangement and read every note attached. I not only read all these cards and notes, I kept every single one of them. I have two huge binders filled with page protectors that hold all the cards, notes, and drawings from children that we received. Another widow friend of mine suggested I do this. You can even offer to do this for your grieving friend. I promise it will be a blessing. The boys and I will now be able to look back anytime at all the love we received. I can show my grand kids how many people poured out their love to us when their grandpa went to be with Jesus. So make the effort. Send the sympathy card, send the flowers or plant, let your children make hand written cards for the kids that are grieving too. It all really does mean more than you know.
2. Set up a Meal Train
I was leery about this idea at first. I just didn’t want to have to see people. I didn’t want to have to cleanup and host someone coming over to drop off food every evening. I am such a picky eater and besides, I wasn’t eating anyways. My kids just needed something simple. So my friend set up a meal train that was only offered to close friends. The friends who don’t care if they come over and your house is a mess and you look like a train wreck, the friends who won’t get offended if you say just leave it at the door, the friends who know what the kids and I would actually eat. And I made the schedule. It worked out perfectly. An elaborate meal train isn’t always needed.
3. Don’t Forget About the Necessities
When the meals are covered it is such a blessing and a huge help, but what about the necessities and practical items? Toilet paper, paper towels, water, foil, shampoo, toothpaste, zip lock bags for all that extra food, kids snacks, etc. When you make a Target or Costco run ask what you can pick up for your friend and keep asking. If they are anything like me they won’t accept any help for awhile. Keep asking. I didn’t leave my house unless I was being escorted by police to something police related for over a month. I couldn’t. Once I took the help from others and gave my lists of what I needed I realized what a huge help that was. And continue to ask. Don’t stop just because you see that grieving friend at the grocery store getting items for herself. Chances are no one asked that week and it took every ounce of her strength to get herself to Target to get necessities for herself and her children. Months later, a year later…ask.
4. Be Flexible
It is so important to understand that the waves of grief can roll in at any moment, especially when there are children involved. Literally, one minute you will feel okay and feel like you can make an entrance into the world, even if it is just to meet a friend at the park, but the next second you or your child can’t breathe and can’t control their sobs. Don’t get offended when plans change last minute. It’s going to happen and it’s going to happen often. Tell your friend it’s okay and leave it at that. Keep in mind that your friend may forget plans you made too. “Widow brain” is a real thing and still causes forgetfulness for me to this day. Always be understanding, flexible, and patient. You’ll never know if the reason they cancelled is because their child was inconsolable, crying for their daddy, and just needed another day cuddled up at home with mom. Be a blessing by being understanding, and keep inviting them out. It may take months for plans to come to fruition, but do not stop asking .
5. Continue Making Contact
Do not get discouraged or offended if your friend does not respond to texts, or voicemails or even Facebook messages. They are read and are appreciated but many times it takes everything they don’t have to send that response. If your last 5 texts fall short of a response, don’t stop making contact. I can’t tell you how many times an out of the blue text or voicemail came through exactly when I needed it, yet I wasn’t able to find the energy in me to respond and say thank you. Bless your friend with random scriptures, with encouraging words and even with humor. Funny jokes or memes always made my day as well, and they still do. Do not forget to contact your friend on special days or occasions. If you know it’s a special day for your friend whether it be an anniversary, birthday, anything…. make contact that day. It could even be something simple like “I’m thinking about you today.” I promise, that simple blessing goes a long way. Set a reminder up for yourself to remember the monthly anniversary your friend lost their loved one as well. Especially the first year, every 14th of the month killed me. I hated it. I have a good friend that lives in a different state and every month, on the 14th, I received a card or a small package from her. Her notes were so encouraging and her little gifts of lip gloss, nail polish, or other simple things meant so much to me. Her effort each and every time blessed me. It gave me something to look forward to around that horrific day each month. Continue making contact with your grieving friend. You never know if your simple connection was exactly what was needed at that moment.
