I recently read an article about living with grief every day: What Grief Steals From Me Every Day The author, who tragically lost her 5 year old son, described grief as living with a thief. A thief that can steal your happiness at any moment. Who can pop out of nowhere when you least expect it. Who can turn any ordinary day into a day that is filled with sadness and depression. In my case: a deceiver who can even make you believe in a magical way of thinking.
This thief has stolen a heck of a lot from me. I’ve had my happiness stolen, my joy, my sense of humor, my security, my smile, my comfort, my trust, my faith, my logical thinking and so much more.
Over time, I have been able to work through my grief and take back what has been stolen from me. It has taken a lot of prayer, support, therapy, and time. Still to this day, I need all of these things to keep my heart secure, guarded and to keep this thief as far away as I can. Unfortunately, this ruthless thief will never completely go away. There will always be something else that he comes in and steals from me. I am still learning that it is up to me to remain strong, stand up to him and not let this thief ruin my day, my week, my life, when he sneaks his way in. And every time he tries to steal from me I grow closer to the Lord and learn more about how to live a full and happy life even when grief always lingers.
Most recently grief, in the form of a deceiver, has stolen my logical thinking. Grief has led me to believe in what my therapist calls “a magical way of thinking”. Even writing about this makes my heart beat a little faster. It’s never easy to share the real life struggles of my grief. The bits and pieces that others don’t know exist. The way Grief makes me feel embarrassed for stealing my logic and making me believe things that aren’t even physically possible and are out of my control. For me, Grief deceives me with fear.
David, my husband on earth, leaves very early every morning for work. We have been married for almost 4 months. Since we have been married I have gotten up every morning with him, bright and early, to see him off to work. I walk him to the door, kiss him goodbye and tell him I love him. You might be thinking, aww that’s sweet, or maybe, that I am crazy. It’s a little of both. I am terrified that something might happen to David if I don’t kiss and tell him goodbye before he leaves for work. I have let myself believe that if I do this every day then he will be safe. My “magical thinking” makes me think that he will always come home to me at the end of the day if I tell him goodbye when he leaves.
There was a morning recently where I slept through my alarm clock and didn’t get up to tell him goodbye. Once I woke up and realized he had already left my heart immediately started racing. The worry and fear set in and I felt like I was like I was having a panic attack. Even after I heard from David and knew he was at work, safe and sound, I continued to struggle all day long. I was secretly a wreck all day until he physically walked through that door later that afternoon. As much as I was enjoying seeing him off each morning and felt like I was doing something really sweet I didn’t realize that this was an area in my grieving process that I was really struggling with.
This is the reality of this awful thief named Grief. He steals from you when you least expect it. He makes fearful and deceives you into getting all worked up over illogical things.
Here is the thing that makes my thought process so illogical: I did kiss Mike, my husband in heaven, goodbye before he left for work. I did tell him I love him. I did tell him to be safe and have a good day. I did walk him to the door. And he still never came home at the end of the day. What I did didn’t change anything.
I was faced with my grief each and every morning and didn’t even realize it. That one morning I missed telling David goodbye before he left for work caught me completely off guard. I knew that what I was feeling was not normal and thought there was something wrong with me.
Grief is a normal reaction to change or loss in your life. Yes, it is a dirty rotten thief that can be incredibly overwhelming and scary, yet it doesn’t have to be. Having the proper tools to face it and process it effectively is the only way to work through it. There is also a daily choice that we have to make: grief will be scary, but it doesn’t have to destroy lives. God is the ultimate healer. He can give us the tools to help get us through the times that the thief comes in and steals a little piece of our happiness or truth, or in my case logic. The name of the Lord is a strong tower, if we run to Him, we will always be safe. Proverbs 18:10
