Trying to maneuver through grief as an adult is difficult. It takes self-discipline, effort and strength.
Tying to maneuver through grief as a child is just not fair.
In a perfect world, a child’s life should be filled with innocence, joy, and pure happiness. Children should feel free of worry and guilt. In a perfect world, a child should never have to go through the pain of losing a parent.
Whether it may be losing a parent in an instant, over a period of time due to an illness, or even suffering through loss due to the parent choosing to leave the child’s life, a child is not going to recover from that loss on their own; they need help.
Every child will grieve and heal differently. Every child will need their own route of healing as well. There are a variety of resources out there to help with childhood grief. Based on our family’s experience with a traumatic loss of a parent I thought I would share some resources that have helped us.
~Seek a variety of resources for professional help.
For some children, sitting in an office with a therapist, talking about their feelings is a great fit. For others, this can be uncomfortable and intimidating. If this is the case, seek out different types of professional help and resources in your community.
Equine therapy, animal assisted therapy, art therapy, acupuncture, light therapy, group therapy, EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) are all incredibly beneficial ways to work though grief and emotions.
*My children have been attending therapy at a horse ranch since they lost their dad. Even now, one or both of them still goes once a week. They prefer sitting with the dogs while they talk with their therapist or going on nature walks. There have been many times when I have had to drag one or both of my boys there kicking and screaming. There have been times where they have sat silently with arms folded and refused to talk. There have been times where they have straight up yelled at the therapist saying they hate this place and they hate me for forcing them to go. These are the times they have needed it most. These are the times where it would have been so easy for me to give up and give in. It would have been much easier, in those moments, to not take them to therapy in order to keep some peace. Yet, the progress my boys have made could have never been done without the help of therapy, even if they don’t realize it now. I encourage parents to push through, even if your kids may resist at first. Keep doing what you know is best for your child.
~Get together with other children who have experienced similar loss.
Children sometimes may feel embarrassed of their loss. They may not know how to communicate with other children, even their close friends, about what happened in their life. They can often feel out of place when they are with children who have not experienced what they have.
There is something about a connection with someone that understands and has been in your shoes that is so powerful. It can make your child open up more, finally share feelings they have kept in, or be the one that can listen to others and learn from their experiences or even give advice of their own. A child can’t do this on their own. We have to be the ones to set this up for them. It can even be relating to an adult who went through their same situation when they were a child who can share insight, advice and hope with the child.
*My children, unfortunately, experienced a tragedy in the death of their dad unlike many others. As sympathetic as their friends are and will be, unless their dad or mom was a police officer killed in the line of duty they will truly not understand all that my boys have and will endure. The boys have been able to attend a camp specifically designed for children of fallen officers, where every kid in attendance was just like them. That sense of comfort and belonging was vital to their healing at that time. We now have a community of families near us and the resources to reach out to many across the country who have experienced exactly what we have. With the families in our state we can get together with them, we have attended memorial events together and can reach out to them for support. These other children who have connected with the boys will always understand them.
~Patience
This is the hardest part… being patient. Weeks, months, even years of different types of therapies and exhausting all resources may pass and there could be no progress visibly seen in children. Anger, rage, anxiety, silence, acting out, poor grades, lack of interest, and depression are just a few of the effects of grief seen in a child. Children will go though the stages of grief (shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, acceptance) at their own pace. Many will even take a few steps back before they move forward. As adults we can recognize the stage we are in and initiate self help to work through each one. Children have to rely on the ones who love them most and the help of professionals to recognize their stages and help them work through each one. It won’t happen overnight. There is no time limit on grief.
*My children’s grief shows it’s ugly face in the form of severe anxiety in one of my sons and absolute rage and anger in the other. One hard battle for me is determining whether their behaviors are a result of their grief or just being misbehavior. This is where their therapy is most helpful to me as their mom. This is where we can get the help we need to pin point a behavior. So often I feel like I have exhausted every single resource I can with helping my boys and encouraging their healing process and nothing is working. Then, something clicks with them and I see a huge change. Also, so often it feels like as soon and I have one of them in a good place the other explodes and vice versa. It’s a never ending cycle. It is a cycle that I cannot help them get out of without patience.
I love this quote, yet I wish the last sentence said, “Do what is right for your child.” Each person grieves differently, including children. What may work for one of my sons often times does not work for the other. We have to individualize the resources and help to each particular child and their needs. It’s okay if it takes many tries to see what fits best. After two years, I am still finding which resource fit each one of my sons the best and always looking for more ways to help them through each new stage of grief that they face. I can’t say it enough, do not give up. One day, these precious children will get back their joy and their happiness. It will just take determination, hard work, some pain and many years… yet, all worth it in the end as you begin to see the smiles return to those innocent faces.
