When we lose someone we love in our lives we tend to focus on their special days. We miss them every day, yet there are a few days throughout each year that sting a little more. Some of these days may be our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of their death, and if it was your spouse you lost, then your wedding anniversary is a tough one as well.
On difficult days like these the extra love from your family and friends is often evident. They may honor your loved one on his or her birthday in their own special way. You may even have family or friends who remember your wedding anniversary. If you know someone who has difficult days like these each year I encourage you to reach out. Make it a point to make contact. An “I’m thinking about you today” text goes such a long way. I can tell you that it never gets old. When someone in my life remembers those days it means so much and even calms my heart a little too.
Yet, those aren’t the only significant days that may be hard. Another day is the birthday of the one who is doing the grieving.
Let me tell you from experience. Your birthday isn’t as fun anymore when you have to celebrate it without the loved one you lost. I have even dreaded the day.
I recently celebrated my birthday. It was on August 10th and I turned 36. This year had another added sting to it.
I lost my Nana 4 months ago. My Nana is my Dad’s mom and one amazing, hilarious, and incredibly strong woman. This was my first birthday without her. My first birthday I didn’t receive a birthday card from her. Over the last five years as her Alzheimer’s slowly progressed my birthday cards went from being signed by Nana to being signed by Aunti Fida. (Her name is Glafida.) Those cards always made me laugh. I’ve kept them all. It didn’t matter to me that she would sometimes forget that she was my Nana and think she was my Aunti, what mattered is that every year she remembered me on my birthday.
This birthday I really missed her.
(I love this picture because it’s my crazy Nana sitting on Mike’s bike and wearing his hat)
I was 33 when I lost Mike. I’ve had 3 birthdays now without him. The first was the worst, but the first everything was the worst.
I write about this to share what my support system has done for me. I hope that it will help others who know someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. I hope it will help prompt ideas on how to maybe fill in the gaps of a husband who is no longer there to celebrate his wife’s birthday with her, or a son who doesn’t have his dad anymore to take him on a fishing trip for his birthday or a granddaughter who is missing getting that sweet card in the mail on her birthday from her grandma who recently passed away.
First of all, the most simple thing to do is say happy birthday. Simply remember their birthday. I love that Facebook now gives us that great reminder. Send a message, a text or make a call.
My 34th birthday was 3 months after I lost Mike. One of my best friends had contacted all our mutual friends and even some of her friends that had never met me but she knew they had been praying for me and she asked them to show me love on my birthday. My physical mailbox was inundated with sweet cards and gifts during my whole birthday week. It blessed me so much and really helped to make me feel special and ease that sting a little. Some friends of Mike and I planned a camping trip for us all on the weekend of my birthday. We went to a place that we had always gone together and that held some of the best memories of birthdays shared with Mike. That was pretty amazing.
On my 35th birthday one of my friends made a point to take the boys shopping for me. So on my birthday I received funny and sweet cards and gifts from my boys. This is something Mike would have done with the boys every year. The fact that she took the time to remember that and spend her time with my boys and her money on me meant the world. Another amazing friend planned a birthday dinner for me at a winery I love and had spent birthdays at with Mike. I showed up thinking I was just meeting her and a few girlfriends there and instead Mike’s and my closest friends were all there to love on me on a day that they all realized could have been really tough for me.
Friday was my 36th birthday was my 3rd birthday with out Mike, my first birthday with out my Nana, and it was also my first birthday with David. Once again my best girlfriends all went out of their way to make my birthday special. Lunch dates and dinner dates were planned and were exactly what I needed.
And then there is David, who never ceases to amaze me. He and his selfless heart not only spoiled me with such thoughtful gifts, but he also started his own birthday tradition for me. Along with my gifts, he surprised me with not one but two bouquets of flowers. His precious card explained why.
He picked out one bouquet of flowers for me that were from him. He picked another, which were irises and hadn’t bloomed yet, as a symbol from Mike. He sees these flowers like my life. They start out very dismal and not looking that great but soon will bring much beauty and happiness. Beauty from ashes, just like what life, or God, has brought to me. He went on to say that even though it may be hard, he always wants to include Mike too, especially since he isn’t here to celebrate with me.
I was speechless. On a day that can tend to be sad for me, he finds a way to bring that smile to my face and that calmness to my heart. My 36th birthday ended up being perfect!
I encourage you to find a small way to bless and encourage a grieving friend on his or her next birthday. Even the smallest gesture can go a long way in making their day extra special.
