Dating as a single parent is a whole different ball game from dating without having children. Throw that carefree single mentality out the window. There is no being careless when you are dating with children. The only option is to be very careful with each and every decision you make and with each and every person you decide to date.
In no way does this mean dating with children can’t be fun, exciting and successful. It can!
It’s best not to introduce every date to your children. I wouldn’t even mention it. There’s no reason why a mom or dad can’t have time away with a friend to have a good time and a much needed break. It’s only when you get more serious and the desire to join your two lives together and invest in this relationship, with long term in mind, should you start thinking about how to go about introducing your children into your relationship.
Start by saying the person’s name. Just as you talk about any other friend with your kids, bring up your new friend’s name. For example, “Hey son, I have a new friend that loves to fish like you do. Maybe we can take him with us sometime.” Mention his or her name randomly as you have conversations with your kids.
This way, when your kids ask who you are talking to on the phone or texting with you can say, “Oh, it’s my friend…David…remember the friend I met who likes to fish?” Keep it totally casual. (Try not to show that giddy smile too much. I know, sometimes it’s hard. It was for me.)
After the name isn’t a stranger’s name anymore it’s time to think about that first meeting. Yet, that’s exactly what you don’t want it to feel like: an awkward, first meeting.
If you have mutual friends, throw a get together at your house where your kids are comfortable and invite your new friend. Or meet at a public place and “just happen” to run into each other. These are casual, calm ways to make a first introduction with no expectations and no pressure placed upon yourselves or your kids.
Once this person’s name is familiar it feels more natural to meet in person. Your kids meet new people all the time, so this shouldn’t feel any different.
Multiple interactions like this might not be a bad idea either. If you both have kids you could plan to meet at a kid friendly place so the kids can interact in an environment they feel comfortable in. Think trampoline park, swimming, another get together at your house with friends that have kids. Fun, non competitive, easy going interactions are the best in the beginning.
Eventually, the person you are dating won’t be a stranger to your kids. Hopefully, he or she is starting to be thought of as any other friend that mom or dad may have.
This way, when you feel it is time to make the announcement that you are dating, the kids aren’t caught off guard too much. The intention is that they have already formed a friendship themselves with that person and already enjoy being around him or her.
Of course, we know this timeline and plan may not always go perfectly. Each child is different. Each child has different emotions attached to the reason as to why their parent is single in the first place. I believe it’s to be intentional in introducing a new relationship to your children than to bring in a new person, cold turkey, with no warning. That’s when confusion, anger and resentment sets in.
Following this plan of gradual introduction worked so well for my husband and me. We blended four kids together and it was so successful for us. Yes, there is always one kid who isn’t totally on board. That child in our family eventually came around and it didn’t take too long. Because this advice we followed was so helpful, we are a blended and blessed family of six!
