It has been over three and half years since my husband died. This June it will be four years. There are times when it feels like a life time ago and other times it feels like yesterday.
I keep moving forward day by day and have made tremendous progress in my grief over the last two years. This doesn’t mean I’m not still sad. I still miss him and I still struggle with my grief.
I still lose it sometimes.
Recently, my oldest son needed a new battery for his dirt bike. He started riding when he was three. His dad was the best teacher and taught him everything he knows. He wanted to watch a YouTube video and change the battery out himself, so I told him I’d go to the motorcycle store and get him a new battery while he was at school.
As promised, I went the store, told the man who was working there what type of bike we had and asked him which battery I needed. He proceeded to ask me a ton of questions that I couldn’t answer. I ended up pulling up a picture of the dirt bike on my phone, which helped the man find the right battery. He asked if I wanted to put acid in the battery myself. I had no clue how to do that or really what he was even talking about so he told me he would do it and to come back in about an hour to pick up the battery.
I went and ran some errands during that hour. I was annoyed with myself that I couldn’t answer his questions and I felt stupid. My son is actually riding my dirt bike now since he grew out of his. I should know more about my own bike.
But everything dirt bike related was Mike’s department. He took care of the bikes and I just got to have fun and ride them.
I eventually went back to pick up the battery and the man forgot to put the acid in. It was going to be another hour. I couldn’t wait so I just left with no battery to bring home. I walked out of the store and back to my truck, got in, shut the door and lost it. Right there in that parking lot I sobbed.
I was mad. I was mad at Mike for not being here to take care of the dirt bikes. I was mad at him for not being here to go to the motorcycle store to get the battery himself. I was mad because I felt so foolish when the worker asked me questions that I couldn’t answer and mad because he isn’t here to show Josh how to install the battery. I shouldn’t be doing this kind of stuff, he should.
I still lose it sometimes.
My boys are very active in basketball. They play on multiple teams year around. Between both boys someone has either a practice or game or both pretty much everyday.
Basketball was a passion of their dads. He played as a kid, in high school, in college, in China, for his department in the Police Olympics and on adult leagues. The guy was obsessed with basketball and was dang good at it too. He put our boys in basketball the second he could, at four years old and coached every team they were on.
He used to talk so much about how he’d want to coach their school teams at they got into junior high and high school. Well, here we are now with both our boys in junior high. Our oldest is going into high school in the fall. I sit at their practices and games watching them play and often have to hold back my tears. He should be here to see his boys play, to coach them and be proud of them like I am. There has been more than one time where I’ve had to go sit in my car during one of their practices because I can’t hold back the tears.
I still lose it sometimes.
My Nana passed away almost two years ago. She was the funniest, spunkiest, most caring woman who made the world’s best tortillas. Recently, I was holding my baby girl and out of nowhere it hit me. Nana isn’t here to meet her. I lost it. I just want to call her and tell her all about Savannah. I want to send her pictures. I want to hear her call Savannah “Mija”. She would love having another great grandbaby. I miss her so much.
I still lose it sometimes.
Life isn’t fair sometimes. God’s plan isn’t fair sometimes. It’s often hard to understand and we probably never will.
I think it’s okay to lose it sometimes. I think it would be concerning for someone who has gone through a loss and so much heartache not to.
But it’s how a person deals with those burst of emotions that hit when you least expect it that’s so important. Do we let it consume us, stay angry and stay sad? Do we let it out, take a deep breath and keep moving forward?
It’s a given that grief will strike when we least expect it. We will lose it sometimes and be a hot mess.
A verse that I’ve clung to in those times of sadness is Romans 8:28, “And we know that God works for the good of those who love him.”
God loves me. He loves you. He promises to work difficult times out for good. All we have to do is love Him and trust Him. He won’t fail us.
Another four years are going to go by and I know I will still lose it at times and most likely when I least expect it. That’s how grief works. God will continue work that grief out for good if I let Him.
The good that comes from loss can be pretty amazing. At Mike’s funeral multiple people came to Christ… so good. I met and fell in love with an amazing man who became my husband on earth… so good. I gained two of the coolest bonus kids… so good. I have the baby girl I’ve always dreamed of… so good.
Through the grief remember all the good. Allow yourself to lose it sometimes, cry, sob, be sad then pick yourself back up. Let God take over while you continue to keep moving forward trusting for the next good that is to come.
