May and June used to be the months I looked forward to the most.
May was full of days to celebrate. May means Mother’s Day, both my boys’ birthdays, Mike and my wedding anniversary and all the fun end of the school year festivities with my own class I was teaching and also in the boys’ classes as well.
June not only is when we get to celebrate Father’s Day, but it meant summer was here and I was done teaching for the school year. June meant I was off for the summer and ready to spend time at home and lots of time going on adventures with my family.
Now May and June tend to be the months I look forward to the least. To be more honest, the months I hate. The months I can’t wait to be over.
May and June now have an even longer list of days to celebrate. We still celebrate the ones we always have even if there is a little sting that comes with each one. But now we have some more days, hard days to add the list.
When those hard days come it’s the little things people do that make them a little brighter, a little easier to get through. Like the texts on Mother’s Day saying I’m doing a great job with the boys and I’m making Mike proud. It’s the funny story someone tells me about Mike that makes me smile on those hard days. When someone tells me they intentionally did something to remember and honor Mike on those days.
The very first week of May starts with local police memorial ceremonies which move right into Police Memorial Week. Last year I chose to only attend one. I chose not to attend any of the fallen officer family luncheons or extra events. Both my boys chose not to attend any last year.
Why? They are just too hard. The days leading up to the events give me anxiety. Each and every ceremony and event is so special and an honor to be apart of, but each and every event is also makes me re-live the tragedy over again.
It’s the picture someone sends me of their family enjoying big bowls of ice cream because they were thinking about Mike that make the hard days better. The simple blue heart text I get from a friend who knows that’s all I need for me to know she’s praying for me.
In June we get to add Mike’s End of Watch to the month, which has now become the day that defines him in the law enforcement world. The day he was killed. More ceremonies take place on that day. Ceremonies that I’ve actually never attended. And really it’s the days leading up to June 14th that are harder for me than the actual day. Days later we have Father’s Day and a few days after that an annual memorial bbq. The bbq is an event I always attend, it’s fun, it’s lively, but still another reminder that Mike isn’t there drinking and bbqing with all his buddies.
Even as I sit here and write this I’m getting mentally exhausted just thinking about the days that are coming.
Here’s the thing though… I can wallow in each and every day and event that comes with these two months. I can be depressed, I can be sad, I can be angry and I can run away and not deal with any of it. And I’ve done each and every one of those things.
But these days are never going away. These memorial ceremonies are still going to be around and honoring Mike long after I’m gone. It’s tradition.
I have to face these hard days every year, so I make a choice to take care of myself and my boys when needed. I make a choice to not worry about the chatter than may come from us not attending each and every event.
We choose to celebrate June 14th and make it a fun day and not a sad one. I choose to be thankful each wedding anniversary that comes around. Thankful for the years we had together, the two precious boys we had together and for the fact that I was the girl Mike chose to spend the rest of his life with.
Let me tell you though that my sons and I are not the only ones that have to go through these months, these events, the anxiety, the tears, the emotions.
There is someone else who has chosen to be apart of all these days too. Who knew that being a part of my boys’ and my life was going to come with a whole lot of days that were just going to be plain crappy for me. Days that would be about someone else. The same days that would come and go every single year.
Even when this time of year comes around and I tend to keep a lot inside, he knows. I know he knows because he blesses me with special things like this.
My husband on earth listens to the tug God places on his heart to bless his wife. To bless his wife who is having another tough day.
Send the text when you are thinking about someone, make the phone call, say the prayer, send the picture. I promise you will make someone smile on what could be a very hard day.
