Over the years I have gone through the stages of grief multiple times. I have climbed up and fallen down the ladder of shock, denial, anger/guilt, depression, and acceptance again and again. Anger and guilt seem to be the steps I most commonly find myself falling back down the ladder to.

I get angry this time of year when summer comes to an end and school starts back up again. Angry because it is another reminder, I lost my career as a teacher when I lost Mike.

I get angry when my boys act up. Teenager attitudes are in full force. I often do not only get angry at them but at Mike too for not being here to discipline them or keep them in line.

I get angry when I see the hate this world has toward Law Enforcement. It infuriates me. I try my best not to blast my own opinions on social media or to my family or friends who may think otherwise. Keeping those feelings in bottled up inside make my anger on the topic even worse.

Then the guilt comes…

Guilt because I chose to put my career on hold so I could focus on my children. Guilt for feeling resentment toward them. I for sure do not want them feeling like they are my burden or like I would rather be teaching than be home with them.

Guilt because I am not more patient with my sons. Guilt because I cannot believe I even can think of blaming Mike. He did not choose to die, yet I still get mad at him for it.

Guilt because I let the media and other people’s opinions affect me so much. Guilt for still scrolling through social media and still allowing myself to watch the news.

I still get sad. I still go through my internal battles of denial, depression and even shock.

The stages of grief are always going to be these steps I climb up and fall back down. Each time I slip and fall down the ladder I must make a conscious effort to stand back up and make the climb.

I must for my children. I must for my marriage. I must for Mike. I must for myself.

Sometimes I get the strength in my legs from spending quiet time with the Lord and reading my Bible.

Sometimes I have to say no to obligations and let myself relax and rest. When I get too busy and overwhelmed, for some reason it triggers my grief.

Sometimes I talk through my feelings with my husband earth, my bestie or put in a call to my therapist.

Sometimes I must be honest with my children. Tell them I am struggling, tired or extra sad and apologize for not being more patient with them.

Whatever it may be, it takes me and only me to recognize which stage of grief I am falling into and make the effort to help myself.

My stage of acceptance is most prominent. I have worked hard to climb my way up to the top of my ladder. I am also human, and I fail often, I fall often.

If you are grieving, no matter what step of the grief ladder you may be on know you can always climb back up. No matter how many times you may fall. Find what gives you your strength and grab hold.

It is okay to take some time for yourself and even hang out on one step for a while. It takes time to heal and gain the strength to continue the climb.

Always remember God will sustain you. He is the one who will give you strength. Let go of the pain, sadness, worry, anger, guilt, whatever it may be and give it up to Him. It is not always easy. I am the first to say it is pretty challenging for me at times.

One thing is certain… He will never let you fall.