Sometimes I get in a funk. I’m not sure what to write about next. I have my ongoing list in my mind and even one on paper that I add more ideas to as they pop in my head. I have so much I want to share, so much I want to write about. But I struggle with questioning myself about being too open and honest or maybe not open enough at times.
I have a very easy time writing about all the amazing things God has done in my life. The joy He brought back to the boys and I, the love He has brought me and our new blended family of six that is growing closer together with each day. I pray all my positive blog posts about how God has changed my ashes into beauty will inspire readers who may be struggling in their lives.
Typically, when I get in that funk of what I should focus on next it is because I’m the one who is struggling. I go back and forth on whether I should open up and share my current struggle with my readers. There are many times that I have done this before so I’m not sure why I have that hesitation. I think it’s natural to be scared to be honest and maybe even fear judgement.
Then I remember one of the many reasons I started this blog in the first place. When I was at my worst, one of the things that would give me that glimmer of hope was reading about other people who were or have been through a similar struggle like me. I longed to read about how they have managed, how they have gotten through it or even how maybe they haven’t gotten through it yet but they share what they are doing to fight that battle.
So here it is, my current struggle: what I’m constantly worrying and then praying about because we all know worrying does no good. That order really needs to be switched. I need to pray first! My funny, handsome, energetic, sweet, animal loving boy is really having a hard time lately. He is my youngest, my 10 year old who is easy going and in his own little world, normally a happy go lucky kid and he is angry right now. He has battled with anger for years now. We go through phases where we get it under control and he’s on a positive path and then something shifts and he is back to hating pretty much everything.
He gets to a point where he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about his academics, he doesn’t care about others, and he could care less about consequences. He’s currently at this point once again and this mom, the one who knows him better than anyone, the one who understands him and loves him more than anyone else on this earth, could crumble with each careless act. I worry about how this is going to affect him in life, I feel guilty and sad that he has to deal with so many emotions at such a young and impressionable age. Often times I honestly just am at a loss of what else I could possibly do to help him.
You see, I still have a very hard time deciphering if any struggle my boys are going through is a repercussion of their grief or is it just being 10 and 12 year old boys. I’m pretty sure a lot of the time they are just being a bunch of buttheads… which is a new super-fun word being used in our house right now… yet a lot of the time I have to remind myself that their grief and hurt is going to manifest in much different ways than mine.
My boys seem to take turns with their struggles. When one is having a hard time, the other seems to be doing great. Then they switch. I’m not sure if I’ve had any period of time yet where they are both handling their grief in a positive way and doing fabulous at the same time. Let me tell you, that is exhausting. Actually, more than exhausting, it’s emotionally draining. As soon as I feel like we’ve got this down and they are moving in the right direction in their healing one of them takes a step backwards.
There is something that has helped my boys get out of their own funk they are in and help them get back on their straight path of healing and that is therapy. Neither of my boys have ever been in an office, sitting on a couch talking to a therapist about their problems though. The kind of therapy they have been doing for over two years now is different and suited perfectly for their needs. Each week they go to a ranch that has therapy horses, dogs, goats, chickens, you name it… they can go on little hikes, throw rocks in a pond, hang with the animals, sit outside, whatever their heart desires all while they are talking with their therapist about whatever is on their mind.
This is where my boy is the most calm. This is where he can work though his struggles and his grief. I highly recommend this form of therapy for children, especially. I love it myself and I also have my sessions there, yet there is something about the atmosphere and environment being incredibly non-threatening to children who desperately need that time with a therapist.
My boy has been going a lot more frequently lately. I am determined to use all my resources to help him out of this angry, careless phase he is in. It’s hard, it’s draining, it’s frustrating, it’s disappointing, it’s embarrassing, and it’s confusing. I want to discipline him for every wrong action he does and many times he needs a heck of a lot of discipline, yet other times I just want to stop and love him. Just tell him I understand, it’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to be frustrated and it’s even ok to not care at times. But…he has to learn how to channel all those negative feelings the right way and that’s what he is still learning. That’s what I am struggling with too. I’m still figuring out the best way to help him understand that.
So there it is. My current struggle. My honest heart.
Raising children is hard. Raising children who had their lives turned upside down and who have experienced as much tragedy as my boys have is more challenging than anything I can even describe. But I am determined, I am confident, I am never ever giving up on these two. Whether it is them acting like hooligans because they are just plain crazy boys or when they are in a downward spiral because they are struggling dealing with their grief of losing their Dad, this mama will always be here to pick up the pieces.
Lord, give me the wisdom, the strength, the patience, the love, and the understanding to help these boys mature into young men.
Men who love you first above anything else and who have the tools to channel any struggle they face in the most positive way that will inspire others, honor their dad and make themselves proud.
