I have mentioned before that it is hard when my sons are struggling to tell if it is a result of their grief or pressures of teenage life. It takes some prodding and conversation to get to the bottom of what is bothering them. I’d say it is usually 50/50. Half of the time they are just plain missing their dad and it spills over into attitude and misbehavior. Other times it legitimately has nothing to do with grief but stress of school, sports or those wonderful teenage hormones.

I put so much of my effort into always checking in on the two of them and making sure they are on the right track with their grief and normal everyday life.  I forget that the same goes for me. I also have a hard time distinguishing between grief or every day life stresses when I feel off or down.

I decided I needed to do something about this. So this week I set up a video appointment with my therapist. Something has been off with me for a few weeks and I had no clue why.

After talking in circles with her for almost the whole session it wasn’t until the very end that we hit the nail on the head.

Pressure.

I put too much pressure on myself for no reason and it effects my mental, physical and emotional health without me even realizing. Really, without anyone else realizing it either because the pressure is internal and something I keep inside.

One of the biggest pressures right now is the weight and responsibility I feel about keeping the kids on track with their academics at home. Our schools are still closed with no foreseeable date to open. I know I am not alone in this and so many parents are having the same struggle and feeling the same pressure as well.

I feel pressure to always be positive. Positive in my blogging and on my social media pages. Positive about finishing my book and getting ready for the publishing stages of it. But sometimes I have nothing positive to give. There I said it. I am human and sometimes I want to curl up in bed, not face the day and post on my social media page my woes, complaints, and that I am not adulting today.

I feel pressure because Mike’s birthday is coming up on the 18th. For the last four years we have gone to Hawaii for his birthday week. This was supposed to be year five in Hawaii as a family to make more new memories together and to celebrate Mike together. Of course, all things Rona and 2020 means our Hawaii trip was canceled. I don’t think I realized how bummed I am about it until now as it it getting closer. I feel pressure to try to create something special at home for his birthday, but how can I top Hawaii? More pressure because I feel that with not keeping this tradition I am not honoring Mike like I should. I know, that’s crazy talk, but that’s the way grief goes. It makes you think all things crazy.

So there you have it. I have been struggling. Feeling all the pressures. Life is hard. Grief is hard.

But life can also be amazing all while I am grieving too. And I can find peace amidst the pressure, but I am not going to find it on my own or in the world. I will only find the peace I need from God. I have had to take step back and ask the Lord to fill me with peace and take my self inflicted pressures off my shoulders.