As much as I love using social media to keep in contact with friends and family, keep up with current events, and even shop I also think it can be so fake at times. We all know that we typically only post the perfect pictures of ourselves and our families. I’m guilty. Right now I’m sitting on my couch in my pajamas, my 3rd day hair is up in a messy bun, no make-up and it’s 11:00 am. No way would I take a selfie right now, let alone post it for everyone to see. Yet that’s real life.
I never want anyone to read my blog and think I have it all together. I never want anyone to think that I have this grieving stuff down. I never want anyone to think that I’m such a strong woman and that I have healed so well. I never want anyone to think that I have this perfect new life. I never want anyone to think I am an amazing mom, because boy let me tell you, I fail every single day. I’m not perfect and I do not have it all together by any means. I’m pretty much a train wreck, an off the tracks and in a million pieces train wreck… BUT… I have the Lord on my side, who at any moment, can clean up the wreckage and put me back together and on the tracks ready to move keep moving forward.
The reality of being a widow and a wife is that I go to therapy on a regular basis. I have been going to therapy since I lost Mike. I had never seen a therapist prior to that. I actually didn’t want to go at first. It was too hard. At the end of an hour session I would be emotionally exhausted. I was sick of crying. I would make up excuses why I couldn’t go to my sessions. At one point I had two different therapists. I would see them both separately on different days and knew I needed to spot where the Kleenex was kept as soon as I sat down. I knew to not wear make-up because it would be a mess by the end of the hour. I knew to not plan anything after a session because I would want to go home, not talk to anyone and just lay in my bed and cry. I hated the reason I was going. I had lost my husband and now I was a new widow.
As the years have gone by I now look forward to going to therapy. Yes, I still cry but I don’t need to scope out the box of Kleenex anymore. I can talk about Mike and how I miss him. I can talk about the boys and how they are doing, my new role as a bonus mom and how amazing my husband on earth is and what I can do to keep that relationship flourishing and be the best wife I can to him. I still need this time in therapy and I have no intention of stopping. This is my reality of being a widow and a wife.
The reality of being a widow and a wife is that I now take anti-depressants. I didn’t want to after losing Mike. I actually kept refusing to. Once the reality sunk in that I couldn’t function day to day, take care of my boys on my own or go an hour without crying I knew it was time. They have helped. I have increased my dosage over the years. I still take them. I’m not ashamed to admit it. It’s my reality.
The reality of being a widow and a wife is that I still get mad. No, I get angry. I get angry that I became a widow at thirty-three. The other day I was folding towels in our laundry room. My oldest son had used some of the old towels we have in our garage to wash David’s work truck so I was folding the load of those old towels. All of a sudden it hit me that they were the towels Mike and I got as a wedding gift and that we used for over 10 years. I had never even paid attention before or even cared, but for some reason at that moment I realized what I was folding and got mad. I literally punched the towel and yelled WHY?! out loud then tried to hold back my tears. But wait… I’m folding laundry in my beautiful new house that I love and bought with my husband on earth to raise our family in. This house makes me happy, yet I still got pissed in that laundry room.
The reality of being a widow and a wife is that certain places that Mike and I loved to go to will become places that David and I love to go to and that’s perfectly ok. It’s ok to remember the memories and make new memories. It’s so good for my boys to see their dad on earth enjoy a place their dad once enjoyed too and take them there just like he did. My reality is that I will have pictures with my husband in heaven in the same spot with my husband on earth.
The reality of being a widow and a wife is that I say things to my husband on earth like, “You are everything I never knew I always wanted.” Doesn’t it sound terrible? The first time I told David this he was taken back and told me he didn’t agree. He said I don’t believe that is true and that I had a great marriage with Mike. He was my first love. Yes, all that is true. What I meant by that was when I was married to Mike life was amazing. We truly were blessed with a very strong, Christ centered marriage and were so in love. Everything I knew in that particular moment in time was everything I could ever want. I didn’t know any different. And I am forever grateful for the perfect-to-me marriage that Mike and I had. Now that I have found love again there are things in my marriage with David that are different than my marriage with Mike. David is romantic, he shares his emotions, he surprises me, he send me flowers, he plans dates, he doesn’t work crazy hours, he has holidays off. It’s those little things that never bothered me with Mike because I fell in love with him exactly the way he was and loved everything about him. Now that I am in my marriage with David, I love the qualities that he has that are different. My reality is that my two marriages are different, yet both so perfect in their own ways.
The reality of being a widow and a wife is that I often look at my boys and have to hold back my tears. They are growing up so fast and their dad isn’t here to see it. He isn’t here to coach their teams or to see his sons get awards in school or to hear their funny jokes. He isn’t here to see how our oldest is about to pass me up in height and likes girls or that our youngest thinks he is a class clown and comedian just like his dad. Then, often times, I look at my boys and I have to hold back my tears for different reasons. I watch David, their dad on earth, out on the baseball field coaching their baseball teams. I see him sitting in the bleachers at basketball games cheering the boys on. He takes them fishing, jokes with them and even disciplines them like their dad would. My widow heart is sad that their dad in heaven isn’t here for all of this, but my wife heart is overjoyed that their dad on earth is so involved and does the most amazing job fathering these precious boys. My sad tears instantly turn into happy tears.
The reality of being a widow and a wife is that I often feel guilty. I feel guilty because I am so happy. I feel guilty that I am more passionate about life and love harder now than I ever did with Mike. I just didn’t know what I know now. Guilt is the reality of being a widow and a wife. It’s something that I have work though every day. It’s something I have to squash when it enters in my head and focus on living my best life. Living my best life as a widow and a wife.
