Losing someone you love so dearly in your life isn’t just hard, it’s plain unbearable at times. It doesn’t matter if it’s your spouse, child, parent, close friend, etc. Whether it’s expected or unexpected, there is really no way to fully prepare for such a heartbreak.
There is no instruction manual, no rule book on how to keep living after suffering such deep loss.
Those who are grieving sure wish there was.
What there is though are a lot of opinions and judgement.
Opinions and judgement about the widow who is “dating too soon.” The parents who got pregnant again “too quickly” after their loss. The children who “rushed to clean out and sell their parents’ home” months after their loss.
Why is it that often times we think that we know better in these situations than that person making these hard choices, when we have never walked the same road ourselves?
Why is it that we form opinions about a person or pass judgement about their choices when we have no personal experience with a similar tragedy?
It doesn’t matter if we go straight to the grieving person with our opinions or judgement or discuss it with someone else in our circle (it will always come back around, believe me), it hurts either way.
It makes the grief journey all that much harder.
I have the unfortunate blessing of being a part of a community of widows. Women who lost their husband like I did. Many of them who were lost in the line of duty and other women who lost their husbands to illness or an unfortunate accident. Although none of us have the same exact story of loss we all can relate to each other because of the similar loss.
Far too often these women all share their similar experiences of feeling judged by others, feeling like they constantly have to explain their choices to other people, feelings of living under a microscope and all this is brought on by people who have never experienced such tragic, great loss. People who have never been in their shoes. People on the outside looking in and who have no clue what is actually going on inside.
The wife of a fallen CHP Officer shared that even the smallest daily decisions take such an emotional toll on her and her children. So that means that the big decisions, like completing her husband’s headstone requires more heavy thought than they are capable of handling right now. They should be allowed to be on their own time frame, no one else’s. And if it takes years to design and finalize such a personal, permanent decision, then so be it. Why do people feel the need to form an opinion on the matter? People, who can’t seem to understand why something like that has not been completed, and feel the need to voice those opinions when they have never been in this position themselves.
Even if we think our opinions or advice are helpful…most of the time, they are not and it hurts to hear them.
It hurts, because unless you’ve been a young widow, no one knows how painful it is to be one, with children, making a decision that is not only permanent, but that is her worst nightmare, literally, set in stone. And if it hasn’t been you, then often times the “advice” being given is actually hurtful words that can set that widow back in her healing process.
The majority of the time, people are not trying to be hurtful with their opinions and advice. It is most likely a case of being unaware of the depths of their reality of life after loss.
Once you have endured a loss, you are not the same person you were prior to that loss. They never will be that person again. Yet, people in their lives expect that same person to be there. Expect that same person to attend events they’ve always attended, to get together like they used to, to initiate plans, to act the same, to bounce back to the person they were before. They can’t, it hurts too much. More often than not, so many wish that same person still existed, as does the one who is grieving. Unfortunately, it’s not possible. Loss forever changes you.
Another widow who lost her husband in a diving accident had her life forever changed in an instant. She was forever changed in an instant. Parts of her may still be there, but for the most part, she’s gone, she’s changed. Yet, people still expect the same ‘ole girl to reach out and go hang out like old times, to act the way she used to, to continue living the life she used to and may even feel hurt because they don’t fully understand why that girl isn’t there anymore. That girl is forever gone, but the girl who is still grieving has grown leaps and bounds. She has more faith, passion and wisdom that anyone even knows. Embrace that girl. Support that girl. Try not to make opinions or judge the parts of her that are gone.
It’s also not easy to be the one who is trying to support and comfort their grieving family member or friend. It’s hard to find the right words to say or know how to support and help.
A very tangible way to help anyone in your life who may be grieving from loss is simply this…
If there is nothing nice, supportive, loving, kind, encouraging or helpful to be said, don’t say anything at all.
No matter if that person is seen to be thriving, smiling, and living again…each day still comes with struggle. One small negative opinion heard or judgement that is made hinders that growth that takes more effort than can even be understood.
Speak words of encouragement to your friends who are grieving and about your friends who are grieving.
I promise that doing this plays a significant role in your loved one’s healing process.
